Headway
by MonsterBrat
Summary: [ByakuyaRenji, ByakuyaHisana] Just taking a look at the fact that despite how long it's been, Kuchiki Byakuya is still a married man.


A/N: In most of the Byakuya pairings I've read, the fact that he had a wife is mentioned so seldom… at most you get the "omg she's DEAAAAD, wah, comfort me with sex now replacement girl/boy!" and then the subject is forgotten.

I guess it's kinda a painful thing to write, otherwise.

Headway

It is all too easy, Byakuya thinks, to fall into old patterns. Waking to a warm body and automatically moving away just as she liked it, far enough so as not to be indecent, but close enough to share body heat. Waiting for the inevitable good-morning-Byakuya-sama that sent his hopes just a little lower than they were the night before, and then the careful kiss that entirely restored them.

When it doesn't come, the disappointment is inevitably just above unbearable. If it were to get even a little worse, he thinks, he would not be able to continue this. As it is, he gets up silently, without looking at the boy in the bed, and gathers his robe. Walks to the room Renji is not allowed in, to sit before her portrait however long it takes to think himself forgiven. It is such an empty gesture, asking for forgiveness where he should not even feel guilty. He knows he does it more for peace of mind than to really repent.

Renji is usually awake when he comes back, sitting on the bed looking entirely too forlorn to be real in Byakuya's opinion. He feels disdain when his lieutenant shows too much emotion, although he never comments. As soon as he is noticed, Renji gets up and they dress for the day and head out together. These days there is a little more camaraderie than there was before, but overall nothing has changed much. They do not talk much, and Renji is just as respectful as he's always been—just enough to remain in his captain's good graces.

Rukia comes by more often these days. That is the major difference the drifters brought with them. She smiles a little more at Byakuya, but just slightly. He wishes she would stop it entirely, her smiles remind him all too much of his dead wife and he doesn't want Renji seeing that. It seems like a compulsion now, to hide everything about Hisana somewhere private. He does not want to share the memory of her, any more than he did before, especially not with Renji. Their newfound closeness makes him even less inclined.

He remembers, clearly, raising a hand to strike the boy when he accidentally poked his nose through the door to her shrine (which had once been her private room). He hadn't done it, and felt shameful for it. A captain should not abuse his subordinates.

And now, with Rukia showing that half-smile which means she wishes she were somewhere else, but is happy here, that exact emotion reflected on her face… Privately Byakuya begins to wonder whether it is not his fault that these feelings arise. First with his wife, now with his sister. If Renji ever turns such and expression on him Byakuya thinks he would not hesitate to strike the boy.

It only makes him feel guiltier, another few minutes added to his daily time of quiet meditation with his wife. He knows he is cruel. He knows he is taking advantage of his lieutenant, whether Renji realizes it or not. Sometimes he wonders if he is not doing the exact same thing Hisana used to do: staying with someone solely because there is nothing else, dismissing them despite their best efforts to please. Such a cruel method of punishment, so close at hand and then every morning dashing all his hopes with that brief Byakuya-sama that he hates hearing.

It is different this time, he tells himself, because honestly Renji is too brash and too annoying and too childish to know anything about love, is interested in the same things anyone his age is: sex and fun and getting stronger. He does not understand unrequited feelings, barely knows what he wants anyway. He is so much _younger_ than Byakuya, inexperienced and painfully easy to please. It is hard to take him seriously most of the time. Despite having seen just how much Renji is willing to give for the people he cares about, Byakuya finds it hard to imagine Renji honestly liking him.

So he does not feel too bad about the boy. He is not unkind in his opinion. There could be worst lovers and he does not take too much time. He has even seen fit to help Renji's Ban Kai along, feeling rather generous when his vice captain would awkwardly say thanks as they sparred. All in all, Byakuya cannot think of many people who would do as well.

So he doesn't make much of the vague annoyance, and eventually the dejected looks he receives in the morning are replaced by a sign of half-hearted resentment. It becomes a new pattern, to wake to Renji getting out of the way so he can rise, still mostly-asleep, hair all over the place. Slowly it replaces the urge to move away just slightly, the keen disappointment.

He does not realize when he begins to forget the old respectfulness, keeping to his own side of the bed so as not to upset, and begins to wake to find himself locked in a sleepy wrestling match with a too-tall boy instead of his fragile wife.

He does not realize when it stops bothering him, either.

END

My first real try with this pairing. I honestly don't know what to make of it most of the time, I like them together but then realistically, this is what happens. I think Renji was maybe a little OOC here (even though he wasn't around enough to really tell, was he?) I think he'd be a lot more vocale than he was portrayed here... ;;


End file.
